Don't Strangle on Those Over Wadded Panties, Pard.

[Charles Heath]

Coming to an outhouse wall near you. With subtitles in English.

"Szabo's Remedial Reenacting Forum
&
Madeover Mainstream Event Pimping Society"

Scene I: The Camel's Hump

I was reading an obituary this morning in the Baltimore Sun, and realized just how tragic it would be for someone to have succumbed to strangulation via wadded up panties over calling a spade a spade, or just stating the facts about folks who are still wondering what to put in that knapsack or haversack, or maybe even what's the best cotton to stuff in their ears to keep their pea brains from rolling out during a brisk march from the funnel cake stand to their favorite uniform combo selling sutler on skinner's row. That is if they even go to events.

Is someone really losing sleep over this? Need a new scrip? Been looking around in the shower at the gym lately, and wonder if everyone else has been using way too many male enhancement products? If so, you may have a problem even bigger than what the OTB Forum can solve with magic glowing rocks and bundles of sticks.

Scene II: Knowledge is Good

Let me dispense a couple of clues, just in case someone has been living under a rock -- in a cave -- in a galaxy far away, since about 1999:

Clue #1: I'm an abrasive SOB.

Clue #2: Use the Search Engine, if you didn't understand clue #1.

Extra Special Bonus Clue For Those Who So Truly Need It: This ain't Szabo's. People on this forum are expected to have some gray matter betwixt their ears, and have the ability to do their own homework, or at least furnish evidence of the puppy who ate it. (This doesn not apply to any of Michael Vick's canines.)

Let's use some of that abrasive material to hone a nice shiny finish on this post, shall we? Good. I believe it was Jim Kindred who coined the phrase "The A/C was not begun with the beginner in mind." He remains correct.

Little Johnny Jump Up, our hero, comes wandering over here one day from the Land of Osz, and sees a number of answers to questions. He signs up. Agrees to the agreement, and his first post is like this:

"Hi!

wHo MaKeZ R bEsT hAvErSaCk?"

Little Johnny's first post scores a signature violation, and a couple of Bayer's finest for the person who tries to read it. Unbeknownst to Little Johnny, his question generates the 1,227th iteration of "Latex vs Linseed," and "Who Has The Best VFD Response Time?" threads.

Johnny comes back the next day, reads his violation, shoots back a nicely worded PM to the clean cut, spiffy, immaculately attired, and bowtie clad moderators thanking them for the reminder, as he deftly traces their family tree using a lot of canine related hypenated words and Oedipus Rex references. (Did I say that with civility? I sure hope I did.) Johnny also takes the time to find an in-stock product and have it overnighted to him for twice the price of the merchandise. Such a deal!

Upon receipt of the haversack, and the subsequent airing of the house by Momma-of-the-Manse, Little Johnny notices the haversack is EMPTY! Holy smokes! Something is supposed to be in there! What could that be? OMG, the specfarbtacular Grover's Corners Hootenanny Encampment and Skirmish event is just three days away! (Thankfully, Saturday supper is free.) Johnny jumps right back on the AC Forum and asks:

"Fellers,

I gotz my haversax, and it is the most wonderful awthentic thang I've ebber seed. What does go in this bag?

JJ Jumpup"

Well, we seemed to have solved the random cap lock crisis, but Little Johnny now has to fix his signature. Of course, Johnny claims he is one of the billions of people who don't have a name, but only use their initials. (How many of those have you met in real life? How many of those people do you think are on the AC Forum. Yep, cynical is just not a color copier cartridge anymore.)

Immediately, the Haversack and Knapsack Packing 101 fans link to that article. The UTSEDA* Club weighs in. The JAFOs** circle around that thead like a bunch of Wizard of Osz (training film, no doubt) flying monkeys screeching about all the great things they have in their haversacks ranging from crush proof cigarette boxes, to pre-made chicken salad sandwiches, plus a couple of spare road wheels from an M-113. Then all H-ll breaks loose when someone mentions "read a book," (oh, the humanity) and the usual suspect asks "why can't we carry two or three haversacks?" Bubba-the-Burnout suggests packing an anvil for the fun of it. The AC Greek Chorus sings "Are all your NCOs dead and gone?" to the tune of "Gay and Happy Still."

This also causes a run on the hardtack thread, the bacon thread, the mess furntiture thread, and then Gribble quits the hobby for the third time this week when electrolytes are mentioned. Don't look now, but Little Johnny is ready to buy a knapsack, and about three months from now, he'll be making housewives, sleeping caps, and hand knit socks shaped more like bull elephant scrotum warmers than stockings.

Hey, Jumbo, is your rain cover a little tight, or are you happy to see me?

Scene III: The Turtle Head Crests

Think that's bad? Well, after Johnny's first event, he comes back to ask how to poop in the woods, and how to poop in the dreaded portajohn. (This statement of fact in no way shape or form refers to a recent 876 post thread on the CW Civilians listsever culiminating in the blue tailed frock song chorus in three wipe harmony.)

Scene IV: The Hunter

You people are a bunch of elitist a-shats, because you didn't tell me to keep my suspenders out of the unsavory blue water in the portajohn.

Is there something wrong with being elite? Isn't being #1 what it is all about? Has someone slapped poor Little Johnny upside the head with a mental picture frame? To put it another way, don't you at least lift the seat before you aim and squirt at the mighty porcelain goddess? Doesn't Little Johnny want to be the best, or is he simply content with attending his encampment and skirmish events where he can dream of being a campaigner, and then dream some more about moving on to being a progressive, and finally choking down biscuits and gravy at Cracker Barrel with the hardkewls. (No offense, Glenn, but the chicken fried steak was just as tasty.)

Update: Johnny just went to WW2 where he can drink canned beer, chase WACs, smoke cigarettes, drive around in a Jeep, and slam CW reenacting in between gushing about just how great Band of Brothers was on HBO. Sigh.

Then somebody with recently laundered and unwadded drawers fresh from attending an event says:

And I took the moderator's response as an attempt to humorously enforce rule # 2, in his own acerbic way.

What a reality check! This man knows the difference between a bacon tree and a ham bush!

The forum was an afterthought to discuss the research.

How much does it cost to get that bronzed?

Scene V: What Henry Said

We few, we happy few....

When a person comes along and offers alternatives to Sharpsburg and Gettysburg by upping the standards he should be encouraged.

We sure have, and I'm so d-mned glad you enjoyed those battalion level living histories at The 'Burg and Antietam. Other folks, the primary AC Forum crew, are wondering why we should stop, drop, and roll back to mainstream events, but about every five years it seems folks have a memory purge and need to revisit the very thing that most of us ran away from screaming (like little girls in some cases) back in the day. Please re-read Troy Groves post (#13) if you still don't understand.

The Bard of Anteon said:

Air Conditioned Civil War Masochists Thread-Counting and Booger-Picking Society forum.

Quite a bit of truth in that statement, if you know where to look for it. At event after event, I see the same folks, and the same names appear on event list after event list, and then we compare that list to the folks who are whining about civility. D-mnation, but those two lists are almost mutually exclusive. Why is that Rasmus? Why is that Rev. Pompey? Maybe Tritesticles knows!

Now, having been so nice and civil during this response, and I do mean to the point where butter wouldn't even melt in my mouth, and Miss Manners is now calling me for politeness advice, I find it amusing to poke the farb apologists on Szabo's forum with a sharp stick now and then. Once in a while, it is also good to drive a stake through that same vapid digital heart of darkness, ignorance, b-llshit, and listen to them howl over their Pepsi in the tin cup.

There, that was mighty civil, wasn't it. Try to keep the level of farb nonsense down to a dull roar.

*Use The Search Engine, D-mb A-s
**Just arrived from Osz

[GrumpyDave]

It seems one hobby always has to make concessions at events and, it's always mine. Ta' other won't budge, ever. Yet, the whining continues.

Charles, could you send me back my "Grumpy" hat. I wondered where it went.

[VaTrooper]

Originally Posted by Charles Heath

[/b] I'm an abrasive SOB.[b]

More like a fluffy teddy bear last time I saw ya.

[1st Maine Trooper]

Dave,
Dont worry I found your grumpy hat and have been wearing it proudly of late.

Dave Myrick
Grumpy Horse Soldier

[Charles Heath]

Dave,

That hat looks good on you, though!

(Props to Rodney Dangerfield)

[paulcalloway]

As you can see, the AC doesn't have a monopoly on criticizing other forums. I would have discussed this privately until I saw another thread making all sorts of accusations and the moderator in support of it all... again, we've been here before.

The gloves are off.

[ley74]

Every now and again, I will post something here. Mostly the forum is wonderful reading and spawns personal research. It is preferable that the AC not be cluttered with "who makes the best" posts or some very overused "what if Massa Lee did" posts.

Now Charles, many folks appreciate your lack of tolerance for idiots. You have helped many who sincerely want to learn, usually with humor and a swift kick, when crap falls in the fire.

You mods just keep up the good work. *&@! them if they do not get it.

[Drygoods]

Mr. Heath,

What a delight you are. I am firmly convinced that you must be one of my lost relatives. I'd swear that you're my older brother, even though I think I'm older than you. Like a breath of fresh air Sir.

As to that other forum you mentioned, I don't read it, nor do I read smut trash novels, but that is just my own taste even though both of those things seem to sell well to others. I had a great howl over the haversack bit, I could add my own impressions of those women who wear them made of upholstery cloth taken from their RV seat cushions, and crammed so full of every shopping purchase that they practically tip over on their chins.

Ahhhh, wouldn't it be nice if these forums had sounds as well so that we could have a dope slap icon, one that had a slap sound so that one would know when they've missed the point, yet again.

Thank you sir, I needed that smile today.

[BrettKIllinois]

Thanks for the belly full of laughs. I am an admirer of your sarcastic rhetoric, and really needed this to get through the last hour of work this monday.

Cheers mister Heath.

[Clsinclair]

Originally Posted by paulcalloway

As you can see, the AC doesn't have a monopoly on criticizing other forums. I would have discussed this privately until I saw another thread making all sorts of accusations and the moderator in support of it all... again, we've been here before.

The gloves are off.

Doesn't make it right. I will continue to post here when I can make a contribution and Charles is right. The search function has a wealth of information. I guess it is like Genealogy where some will do all the research and some will do nothing and depend upon the researchers for all their information. The exchange of information benefits us all. Notice that I said, "exchange". But if I can help someone new by advising him to purchase the right items, I will.

Regards,

Claude Sinclair
Rich Mountain
Re-Opp of Fort Sumter
Fort Moutrie Living History