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Every six months or so I either repost or dredge from the cyber muck my list of “Soldier symptoms”. For those of you who are new to this the list in question displays various symptoms you can portray while serving in the latest campaigner event du jour.
Concurrent with the discussion on how dirty should we be comes the question “how healthy should we be?” Let me clarify before my email gets hit with hate mail about sacrificing real health for the hobby. I don’t mean giving yourself a case of the squirts before going into the field, or going to south American to contract an authentic case of malaria. If you’ve had these conditions, then all the better to empathize, my dear. I’ve walked several miles with a potential diarrhea problem, and I can tell you it felt like fifteen pounds of wet ropes were sliding around in my belly.
We go to great detail on the gear, the methods, and to some extent, the man. But often, simulated “health problems” are ignored. (But not always deliberately.) The Original Cast’s hygiene was not as great as ours, and the ol’ “two out of three soldiers died from disease as opposed to battle wounds” is discussed but not practiced, unless one arranges some time to do something detailed at surgeon’s call. (hint, hint.)
By the time you hit the soldier age, be it seventeen or fifty-five, you would have had at least one health problems on your life’s C.V. Exams of skeletons from the early to mid-nineteenth century reveal tuberculosis, dental problems, scurvy, scoliosis, rickets and so on, that the Original Cast had to put up with on a regular basis.
Here’s a factoid to draw in the drillheads: The presence of rickets and scoliosis may be the reason why the first lessons in the drill manuals teach a soldier how to stand “without derangement of the shoulders,” &c.
Add to this the residual damage left by communicable diseases. Now add the side effects of some of the remedies. (My favorite is green feces from chronic use of blue mass.) You will have some interesting characteristics We should be no strangers to medicinal side effects. Turn on the tube and we see that half the direct-to-consumer pharmaceutical ads cover the laundry list of weird side effects.
I think the “how dirty are we” debate agrees on one thing – spend time out in the field for more than a day, and the real scunge will build up. Stay away from a shower for a few days and the Funk shall arrive. Concurrent with said scunge and funk will be the arrival of potential health problems. Mr. Dale Beasley wisely pointed out that if you don’t take care of your bod, it will break down. Potential problems – including but not limited to flu, pneumonia, infected cuts and the like, all likely to increase the longer the event takes place.
Hollywood has finally caught up with this idea – for the first time in American Hollywood history we are seeing less-than-white teeth, sores, seizures and so on. I give kudos to the HBO series Deadwood for incorporating health into the storyline. Likewise, the series "John Adams" for covering some of the illnesses (including breast cancer and a mastectomy, which may have been an attempt to connect with a modern American population, particularly older women.)
My list was designed to provide "symptoms 101" which can be either simulated for free or low-cost, or discussed around the camp-fire when all the other first-person topics have expired. The list gets longer as new conditions are added, and anyone with real military medical experience are welcome to add to it or correct my errors.
I don’t ask for Hollywood makeup, merely something to add a new level of verisimilitude to your already cool impressions. Try participating at an event by while maintaining the symptoms of malaria, or an injured leg. You might get a new look at the hardiness of the Original cast and a better appreciation for what they went through.
On with the show. Notice a lot of the symptoms overlap, so your problem could have different origins than you think.
Questions, comments, criticisms, recommendations, please e-mail me at bluemasscat at yahoo.com. I don't bother to post this at Szabos because it's actual information which might improve an impression and it can be documented.
• Sore joints - screaming, flaring pain that feels like someone has lit a match right underneath the joint. Rheum (bonus points if you reference the diarrhea that goes with it.)
• Difficulty hearing, bad vision, green feces, painful sores in the mouth, loose teeth, numb fingertips. Side effects of blue mass pills
• Loose stools – diarrhea, aka the sh**s the trots the quickstep. If there is blood in the diarrhea then you may have dysentery.
• Open sores or constant itching on the skin – bugs, popped zits, blisters, boils, (blisters on steroids); common in locations where straps rub against the body tightly.
• Nervous twitches, hypersensitivity to ordinary stimuli, (ie, flipping out over the sound of a twig snapping) minor hallucinations in the form of “ghosts”, crying fits, occasional violent outbursts (beginnings of PTSD)
• Jaw Ache (rotting teeth, teeth improperly extracted, beginnings of tetanus, start of mouth cancer from chewing tobacco)
• Bad teeth: You can buy bottles of “nicotine colorations” at the Halloween supply stores. The bottles are about a $1.50 each and come in the designer colors of light brown, medium brown, and black. To use dry your tooth with a tissue, and paint it on with the available brush. Allow to dry and set. I recommend using the browns, then let the black creep into the gaps between your teeth. The stuff tastes minty. The directions say to use a tissue soaked in isopropyl alcohol to remove it, but I’ve found a good basic brushing will do the same thing. Do not bother with the fake “hillbilly teeth.” They do not look right.
• Excessive flatulence (insert a digestive disorder here)
• Constant, hacking cough (smoking, chronic chest infection, leftover cold, flu or bronchitis, beginnings of pneumonia)
• Bad hearing, constant ringing or buzzing in the ears, comrades’ voices are muffled or otherwise distorted (tinnitus, hearing loss, excessive quinine usage)
• Bad vision (start of cataracts, nearsighted, farsighted)
• Pale, tired, seems to act real “slow in the head” to the point of mental retardation (hookworm infection. Remember to reference a cut on the foot if asked; also at some point before becoming pale and anemic the patient may have coughed up a bloody discharge. That was the hookworm's method to get into the digestive tract to attach to the intestine and start sucking blood.)
• Rectal area itches and burns: hemorrhoids aka the “piles”; pinworms.
• Fevers: any number of illnesses; odds are good the surgeon will diagnose it as an intermittent fever unless other symptoms are present.
Esoteric conditions:
• Cancer: general debilitating pain, rapid unexplained weight loss.
• Tourette’s Syndrome: minor repetitive body or vocal tics or twitches. They are neurological and cannot be controlled.
• Epilepsy: The following symptoms may indicate someone has epilepsy:
* A convulsion with or without a fever
* Short periods of blackout or confused memory
* Occasional "fainting spells" in which bladder or bowel control is lost, followed by extreme fatigue
* Episodes of blank staring
* Brief periods of no response to questions or instructions
* Sudden stiffening or falls for no apparent reason
* Episodes of blinking or chewing at inappropriate times
* Dazed behavior; being unable to talk or communicate for a short time
* Repeated movements that look out of place or unnatural
* Sudden fear, anger or panic for no reason
* Odd changes in the way things look, sound, smell or feel
* Muscle jerks of arms, legs or body
• Kidney or bladder stone: pain in the bladder, difficulty urinating, urinating blood.
• Appendicitis: starts off as a stomachache, then gravitates to the lower right abdomen and hurts more. Area becomes tender and sensitive to the touch.
• Sinusitis: improper draining of the sinuses. Leads to a lot of throat-clearing, hocking lugies, nose-blowing and occasional nose-picking. Often a chronic condition.
• Rickets: A disease resulting from poor calcium intake
Concurrent with the discussion on how dirty should we be comes the question “how healthy should we be?” Let me clarify before my email gets hit with hate mail about sacrificing real health for the hobby. I don’t mean giving yourself a case of the squirts before going into the field, or going to south American to contract an authentic case of malaria. If you’ve had these conditions, then all the better to empathize, my dear. I’ve walked several miles with a potential diarrhea problem, and I can tell you it felt like fifteen pounds of wet ropes were sliding around in my belly.
We go to great detail on the gear, the methods, and to some extent, the man. But often, simulated “health problems” are ignored. (But not always deliberately.) The Original Cast’s hygiene was not as great as ours, and the ol’ “two out of three soldiers died from disease as opposed to battle wounds” is discussed but not practiced, unless one arranges some time to do something detailed at surgeon’s call. (hint, hint.)
By the time you hit the soldier age, be it seventeen or fifty-five, you would have had at least one health problems on your life’s C.V. Exams of skeletons from the early to mid-nineteenth century reveal tuberculosis, dental problems, scurvy, scoliosis, rickets and so on, that the Original Cast had to put up with on a regular basis.
Here’s a factoid to draw in the drillheads: The presence of rickets and scoliosis may be the reason why the first lessons in the drill manuals teach a soldier how to stand “without derangement of the shoulders,” &c.
Add to this the residual damage left by communicable diseases. Now add the side effects of some of the remedies. (My favorite is green feces from chronic use of blue mass.) You will have some interesting characteristics We should be no strangers to medicinal side effects. Turn on the tube and we see that half the direct-to-consumer pharmaceutical ads cover the laundry list of weird side effects.
I think the “how dirty are we” debate agrees on one thing – spend time out in the field for more than a day, and the real scunge will build up. Stay away from a shower for a few days and the Funk shall arrive. Concurrent with said scunge and funk will be the arrival of potential health problems. Mr. Dale Beasley wisely pointed out that if you don’t take care of your bod, it will break down. Potential problems – including but not limited to flu, pneumonia, infected cuts and the like, all likely to increase the longer the event takes place.
Hollywood has finally caught up with this idea – for the first time in American Hollywood history we are seeing less-than-white teeth, sores, seizures and so on. I give kudos to the HBO series Deadwood for incorporating health into the storyline. Likewise, the series "John Adams" for covering some of the illnesses (including breast cancer and a mastectomy, which may have been an attempt to connect with a modern American population, particularly older women.)
My list was designed to provide "symptoms 101" which can be either simulated for free or low-cost, or discussed around the camp-fire when all the other first-person topics have expired. The list gets longer as new conditions are added, and anyone with real military medical experience are welcome to add to it or correct my errors.
I don’t ask for Hollywood makeup, merely something to add a new level of verisimilitude to your already cool impressions. Try participating at an event by while maintaining the symptoms of malaria, or an injured leg. You might get a new look at the hardiness of the Original cast and a better appreciation for what they went through.
On with the show. Notice a lot of the symptoms overlap, so your problem could have different origins than you think.
Questions, comments, criticisms, recommendations, please e-mail me at bluemasscat at yahoo.com. I don't bother to post this at Szabos because it's actual information which might improve an impression and it can be documented.
• Sore joints - screaming, flaring pain that feels like someone has lit a match right underneath the joint. Rheum (bonus points if you reference the diarrhea that goes with it.)
• Difficulty hearing, bad vision, green feces, painful sores in the mouth, loose teeth, numb fingertips. Side effects of blue mass pills
• Loose stools – diarrhea, aka the sh**s the trots the quickstep. If there is blood in the diarrhea then you may have dysentery.
• Open sores or constant itching on the skin – bugs, popped zits, blisters, boils, (blisters on steroids); common in locations where straps rub against the body tightly.
• Nervous twitches, hypersensitivity to ordinary stimuli, (ie, flipping out over the sound of a twig snapping) minor hallucinations in the form of “ghosts”, crying fits, occasional violent outbursts (beginnings of PTSD)
• Jaw Ache (rotting teeth, teeth improperly extracted, beginnings of tetanus, start of mouth cancer from chewing tobacco)
• Bad teeth: You can buy bottles of “nicotine colorations” at the Halloween supply stores. The bottles are about a $1.50 each and come in the designer colors of light brown, medium brown, and black. To use dry your tooth with a tissue, and paint it on with the available brush. Allow to dry and set. I recommend using the browns, then let the black creep into the gaps between your teeth. The stuff tastes minty. The directions say to use a tissue soaked in isopropyl alcohol to remove it, but I’ve found a good basic brushing will do the same thing. Do not bother with the fake “hillbilly teeth.” They do not look right.
• Excessive flatulence (insert a digestive disorder here)
• Constant, hacking cough (smoking, chronic chest infection, leftover cold, flu or bronchitis, beginnings of pneumonia)
• Bad hearing, constant ringing or buzzing in the ears, comrades’ voices are muffled or otherwise distorted (tinnitus, hearing loss, excessive quinine usage)
• Bad vision (start of cataracts, nearsighted, farsighted)
• Pale, tired, seems to act real “slow in the head” to the point of mental retardation (hookworm infection. Remember to reference a cut on the foot if asked; also at some point before becoming pale and anemic the patient may have coughed up a bloody discharge. That was the hookworm's method to get into the digestive tract to attach to the intestine and start sucking blood.)
• Rectal area itches and burns: hemorrhoids aka the “piles”; pinworms.
• Fevers: any number of illnesses; odds are good the surgeon will diagnose it as an intermittent fever unless other symptoms are present.
Esoteric conditions:
• Cancer: general debilitating pain, rapid unexplained weight loss.
• Tourette’s Syndrome: minor repetitive body or vocal tics or twitches. They are neurological and cannot be controlled.
• Epilepsy: The following symptoms may indicate someone has epilepsy:
* A convulsion with or without a fever
* Short periods of blackout or confused memory
* Occasional "fainting spells" in which bladder or bowel control is lost, followed by extreme fatigue
* Episodes of blank staring
* Brief periods of no response to questions or instructions
* Sudden stiffening or falls for no apparent reason
* Episodes of blinking or chewing at inappropriate times
* Dazed behavior; being unable to talk or communicate for a short time
* Repeated movements that look out of place or unnatural
* Sudden fear, anger or panic for no reason
* Odd changes in the way things look, sound, smell or feel
* Muscle jerks of arms, legs or body
• Kidney or bladder stone: pain in the bladder, difficulty urinating, urinating blood.
• Appendicitis: starts off as a stomachache, then gravitates to the lower right abdomen and hurts more. Area becomes tender and sensitive to the touch.
• Sinusitis: improper draining of the sinuses. Leads to a lot of throat-clearing, hocking lugies, nose-blowing and occasional nose-picking. Often a chronic condition.
• Rickets: A disease resulting from poor calcium intake
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